Do you suffer from insomnia?
Not good…soon your whole body might attack your brain.
Are you bothered by a persistent fever and swelling?
Beware…maggots are likely crawling beneath your skin.
Have you noticed skin tenderness and discoloration?
Yikes…a small horn is probably going to sprout from your head.
Because it's ultra-portable, you can (and probably should) have The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have with you at all times so at the slightest onset of an unmistakably fatal-feeling itchy rash, you can simply whip out your trusty guide, conveniently diagnose yourself, and then let the worrying begin.
Dennis DiClaudio is a humor and fiction writer, and also an improvisational and sketch comedian. He has had plays produced for the New York International and Philadelphia Fringe Festivals, is an online writer for Comedy Central, and spent several years in the editorial department of Elsevier, one of the world's largest medical and scientific publishers. He is an expatriate Philadelphian currently living in New York.